The Woman "Seen" in the Video
On Aging Gracefully with Youthful Enthusiasm Intact
A year later, I understand what she was really afraid of.
A little over a year ago, I sat in front of a camera, popped my collar, teased my hair into something resembling Dolly Parton confidence, and tried to be brave.
I called it a Video Memoir.
At the time, I thought I was making a video about Aging Gracefully.
I thought I was talking about authentic, vulnerable… self-expression.
I thought I was sharing a journal system (Compass) I had spent years creating.
But recently I watched the video again…
And now I think it was about something else entirely.
It was about visibility.
For thirty-six minutes, I can see myself circling the same idea over and over.
I called it a bold move.
I called it a courageous action.
I called it expression.
What I was really talking about was being seen.
Not the curated version.
Not the polished version.
Not the version with a script and a marketing plan.
The actual me.
Authentic. Vulnerable. The rambling me.
The woman drinking homemade chai and talking about moon cycles, self-observation, mirrors, purpose, aging, and dreams.
The woman who repeatedly said she needed to stop judging the person she saw on the camera.
The woman who admitted she wanted people to get to know her.
Watching it now feels like opening a time capsule.
Because that woman had no idea what was coming next.
Soon after recording that video, I stepped back into the public.
After years of off grid living… studying, creating, healing, and largely residing in my own little world, I decided it was time to participate again.
I wanted to help.
I wanted to contribute.
I wanted to share what I had learned.
And then reality offered a curriculum.
The nonprofit organizations I hoped to support became a lesson in discernment.
The closer I looked, the more difficult it became to reconcile what was being said with what was being done.
Then, while attempting to share my art publicly, visibility introduced me to another teacher.
Fear.
Or more accurately, the fear that arrives after you’ve already been seen…
What followed was nearly a year of navigating the unwanted attention of a stalker.
A year of learning about boundaries.
A year of questioning whether visibility was worth the cost.
A year of learning that not everyone who notices you belongs in your life.
When I watch that video now, I see hints of all of it.
I hear myself talking about energy.
About feeling overwhelmed by the emotions and shadows of other people.
About needing to protect my energy.
About being unsure whether I had enough of myself to give to the world.
At the time, I didn’t fully understand why those themes kept appearing.
Now I do.
