The Way of the Nerd
Self Under-Standing, the Gut, and the Stories That Consume Us
I have discovered something mildly irritating.
No matter how much “better” I become, there always seems to be another level.
Another layer.
Another thing to learn.
Another dragon to slay.
Another promise to myself.
The road is always winding…
Consumption is at the root of this pondering.
I used to survive off sugar. Mountain Dew. Candy. Emotional support Latte’s.
From a very young age… Sugar was my companion through grief, stress, celebration, boredom, and exhaustion.
And for the most part, I’ve changed.
However… lately, after some safety issues of the past year… I haven’t quite been able to shake loose from my relationship with sugar.
I keep declaring this experiment is over.
“Okay, we’re done with sugar now.”
And then somehow, there I am.
Ordering another chai latte.
Extra sweet.
And suddenly my mind whispers: “See? You haven’t changed.”
Who do you think you are …to inspire anyone towards wellness…”
But have I really failed?
By whose definition?
I drink about three ounces of coffee. (Self justification)
Maybe two tablespoons of sugar in a day. (I’ll cut back or stop when I’m ready)
Is that truly the consumption of an addict? (One cup leads to two)
It sure feels like it sometimes. (Because if I don’t get it… look out…)
However… perhaps the burden isn’t coming from the sugar.
Perhaps the burden comes from what I think about consuming sugar.
I watched a beautiful interview today with neuroscientist David Linden, who calls his approach to living with terminal cancer “The Way of the Nerd.”
His answer wasn’t to fight harder.
It was to understand.
To become curious.
To know thyself.
Not just through the outward senses, but through the inward ones too.
Because we don’t only have eyes and ears pointed toward the world.
We have inner senses.
Signals from the gut.
From the heart.
From the nervous system.
From places beneath consciousness.
We don’t just possess conscious systems.
We possess autonomic systems… or rather they possess us…
Systems that have been quietly keeping track… while we have been busy trying to self-improve ourselves into living well.
And maybe that’s the thing.
Perhaps my body… wise thing that it is, keeps reminding: “Pay Attention”
Which explains why so many of us become frustrated.
“I know better.”
“I’ve done the work.”
“I’ve read the books.”
“I’ve grow beyond that...”
And yet…
The old cravings remain.
The same sensitivities remain.
The same fears appear.
The same habits knock consistently at the door.
Maybe self-development isn’t the answer…
Maybe self-understanding is descending into ourselves.
Into the hidden conversations happening between mind and body.
Into the sympathetic and parasympathetic dance.
Into grief.
Into reward.
Into expectation.
Into placebo thoughts.
And most importantly… Into belief.
Self under-standing.
Standing beneath myself.
Listening.
Studying.
Growing curious.
Not asking: “Why am I still like this?”
But asking: “What is this trying to tell me?”
What fascinated me most about the video wasn’t the discussion about sugar or GLP-1 drugs.
It was the realization that eating isn’t a single choice. It’s a hundred little choices guiding us...
The smell.
The memory.
The expectation.
The sight.
The taste.
The reward.
The fullness.
The satisfaction.
Or the absence of satisfaction.
According to neuroscientist David Linden, before the first bite… there is an ongoing conversation between the mind and the body.
And maybe that’s true for all consumption.
Not just food.
Scrolling.
Shopping.
Coffee.
Wine.
Busyness.
People pleasing.
Even self-improvement itself.
Perhaps what we call compulsive behavior isn’t a lack of willpower.
Maybe it’s a conversation.
A dialogue between the outer senses and the inner senses.
The mind body systems do their thing…
And before I ever order that extra sweet chai latte, dozens of tiny decisions have already been happening beneath consciousness.
Signals are flowing upward from the body.
Signals are flowing downward from the brain.
The conscious “I” enters the scene late and proudly declares:
“I chose this.”
But maybe “i” wasn’t the only one voting.
Maybe my gut had a vote.
Maybe my memories had a vote.
Maybe exhaustion had a vote.
Maybe my body, still remembering unsafe seasons, had a vote.
And then I began wondering:
What if compulsions aren’t always cravings?
What if they’re communications?
Messages to understand.
If beliefs can kill, as in the strange phenomenon of “voodoo death,” then beliefs can also heal.
If expectation can release stress hormones powerful enough to shut the body down…
Then expectation can also release endorphins powerful enough to relieve pain and in David Linden’s case… keep cancer at bay...
The placebo effect isn’t fake.
It’s biology.
Which makes me wonder:
How much suffering in my life is coming from the thing itself?
And how much comes from what I believe about the thing?
Because maybe two tablespoons of sugar aren’t what’s weighing me down.
Maybe the shame …of knowing better …is.
Maybe the fear… of dementia …is.
Maybe the story is.
Maybe I hexed myself. Not with witchcraft.
But… With labels. With declarations.
“I’m addicted to sugar….”
“I have no discipline.”
“I should be further along.”
“I know better.”
And perhaps my nervous system, being the obedient creature that it is, simply responds: “As you wish.”
Maybe this is why “Know Thyself” feels incomplete.
Maybe the invitation isn’t merely to know thyself.
But to understand what stories thyself has come to believe.
And perhaps this is what I am slowly embodying inside my Ground Sphere of Self Under-Standing.
That thriving isn’t always found by controlling myself.
Sometimes it is found by becoming curious enough to ask:
“What am I believing?”
“What am I expecting?”
“Why do I keep telling this story?”
David Linden said something that touched me deeply.
He spoke about his approach “The Way of the Nerd.”
Not everyone wants to know all the details.
But for some of us, understanding is empowering…
For some of us, curiosity is medicine…. peace arrives not solely through acceptance, but through comprehension.
Perhaps that’s my way too.
The Way of the Nerd.
Simply understanding myself.
Again.
And again. And again…
“Know thyself,” they said.
I’d like to add…
“Be gentle with what you find.”
Your Muse,
Molly
Full Video: The bizarre phenomena that medicine struggles to explain | David Linden: Full Interview
Another video I recently watched that goes along with this pondering… about Gut Health…